The Voice of the Ego, Psychotherapy & Self-Therapy
For most of our day-to-day living, the vast expanse of our mind is filled with erratic thinking. The monkey mind runs the show, our egoic thought impulses rattle about in our minds, and our unchecked inner dialogue rides our trains of thought off the rails.
The egoic voice, which often speaks to us from the second person ("you're not good enough! what are you doing? I can't believe you did that!"), can easily be seen as something separate from us since it rarely communicates in the first-person. Rarely does our internal monologue tell us that, "I messed this up," or that "I'm not good enough for this."
But somehow, it's still all-too-easy to identify with this voice. Even though the ego addresses us as a separate being, it still manages to hijack our internal monologue and convince us that these are our thoughts. However, the point of this post is less about trying to dissociate from our monkey voice and more about listening to it.
Our monkey mind, our ego, is actually trying to protect us and keep us safe. The ego exists solely to protect our sense of identity. The problem is that our monkey mind has terrible communication skills. Lacking the circuits of higher consciousness, our monkey mind only
communicates via the lower mammalian impulses, most often the fight-or-flight mechanism. As such, the monkey mind's two basic thought patterns are either to attack (by judging or comparing) or retreat (shaming, rejecting, doubting).
I agree that we must not blindly follow the voice of our ego. However, I believe that it's just as important - if not more so - to play close attention to the content of this voice.
The ego only wants to protect you. Unfortunately, the ego's distorted approach makes it seem like a nuisance that needs to be silenced. The point here is not to dwell on these negative thoughts but to recognize that they indicate an unresolved issue that weighs upon your subconscious mind.
Once you start to recognize this, you realize that the ego is just a scared and confused child that wants to keep you safe from emotional pain. The only way it knows how to do this is by trying to convince you that you're not worthy enough to find love or accomplish your goals. By preventing you from reaching for success, the ego protects you from failure.
While it's still important to detach from the ego's thoughts and avoid identifying with them, it's also important to understand that these thoughts are filtered through our past experiences, including any unaddressed or repressed traumatic memories.
This brings us to the focal point of this post. Once we learn to interpret the ego's messages properly, we can start to recognize how and why we were traumatized in the past, and how these traumatic experiences continue to influence us in the present day. If the voice in your head constantly shames you when you try to form a romantic relationship, perhaps it's speaking from a fear of abandonment and trying to protect you from the chance of your lover leaving you.
Whatever the case, interpreting these messages can be an extremely valuable resource. Identifying the origins of these negative belief patterns is of tremendous importance. This is also often the initial focus of therapy during which your therapist will guide you through various techniques to help you uncover the root of your current mental/emotional situation.
However, this can also be done on your own! With diligence, self-reflection, and honesty, you can learn to interpret the messages of your ego and identify the root cause of any self-deprecating beliefs and thought patterns. I like to call this self-therapy, or autotherapy, and it can certainly save you hundreds of dollars on therapy sessions.
Unblocking and releasing stored traumas and repressed memories is extremely liberating and will be one of the most profound and exhilarating experiences of your life. And after doing it, you'll start to notice that the voice in your head starts to change.
The monkey voice is still there, of course, but you'll notice that it starts to say different things. Rather than shaming you, it starts to be more supportive. Rather than casting doubts upon your every interaction, the monkey mind starts to take your side. Instead of pre-emptively setting you up for failure, the voice in your head starts pushing you towards success.
Once your ego stops projecting its fears and anxieties onto, you don't have to fight it any longer. And once you stop fighting it, you realize how much energy you've spent in combat with your monkey brain every day, every week, for years. Once the fight is over, you'll realize that you've turned a life-long enemy into your best friend, and you'll find that there's nothing more comforting and supportive than a monkey who's got your back.
And this, my friends, makes a world of difference in regards to your practice.
Side note: it's super important to find a counselor or therapist who works well with you and preferably one who practices (or at least has an interest in) meditation. I was blessed enough to find a counselor who doubles as a Qi Gong master, who studied under a Taoist master whose many books I have read, and whose personal therapeutic practice is basically a guided meditation infused with EMDR and one-on-one coaching).
The egoic voice, which often speaks to us from the second person ("you're not good enough! what are you doing? I can't believe you did that!"), can easily be seen as something separate from us since it rarely communicates in the first-person. Rarely does our internal monologue tell us that, "I messed this up," or that "I'm not good enough for this."
The Ego: Protecting Through Self-Sabotage
Our monkey mind, our ego, is actually trying to protect us and keep us safe. The ego exists solely to protect our sense of identity. The problem is that our monkey mind has terrible communication skills. Lacking the circuits of higher consciousness, our monkey mind only
The monkey mind is just a frightened creature that tries to protect us by attacking (judging, insulting) when it's cornered and running (shaming, rejecting, doubting) when it's afraid. But behind each shameful, accusatory, fearful, or self-deprecating thought is a message of protection or compassion. We just need to learn how to interpret the ego as a voice of wisdom that simply struggles to communicate in a constructive manner.
I agree that we must not blindly follow the voice of our ego. However, I believe that it's just as important - if not more so - to play close attention to the content of this voice.
To Understand the Ego, Read Between the Lines (or Think Between the Thoughts)
The content of our ego's voice can be tremendously helpful if we listen to it properly. The subject matter that our ego focuses on usually indicates some sort of personal barrier or obstacle that we're yet to overcome - often in the form of unresolved traumas, repressed memories, or other unaddressed mental-emotional experiences that continue to influence our present-day awareness.
For example, many people find that the voice in their head is always shaming them, making them feel guilty. For most of us, our first response is to tell the voice to shut up. "That's not true," we respond, "I'm strong and I deserve good things!"
This is true - you are strong, and you do deserve good things. However, the monkey mind's negative thought patterns shouldn't be immediately rejected. These thoughts come from somewhere in your subconscious, and they're usually a reflection of a painful experience that you suffered through - most likely as a child when you were most vulnerable to psychological imprinting.
The reality is that most of us picked up some sort of trauma during our formative years. While we might not always remember these experiences consciously, our ego and our subconscious mind do. Our ego, which produces most of the content of your internal monologue - the voice in your head - doesn't want you to relieve these experiences. To prevent that, it rejects, shames demeans, manipulates, and uses other dirty tricks to try to prevent you from ever encountering a situation in which you could get hurt the same way again.
The irony here is that, in an effort to prevent you from being hurt again, the ego insults you, instills doubts, and otherwise tries to convince you that you're unworthy enough to put yourself in a similar situation. This is how the ego responds to trauma - by convincing you to lose the battle before you've even had a fighting chance.
For example, many people find that the voice in their head is always shaming them, making them feel guilty. For most of us, our first response is to tell the voice to shut up. "That's not true," we respond, "I'm strong and I deserve good things!"
This is true - you are strong, and you do deserve good things. However, the monkey mind's negative thought patterns shouldn't be immediately rejected. These thoughts come from somewhere in your subconscious, and they're usually a reflection of a painful experience that you suffered through - most likely as a child when you were most vulnerable to psychological imprinting.
The reality is that most of us picked up some sort of trauma during our formative years. While we might not always remember these experiences consciously, our ego and our subconscious mind do. Our ego, which produces most of the content of your internal monologue - the voice in your head - doesn't want you to relieve these experiences. To prevent that, it rejects, shames demeans, manipulates, and uses other dirty tricks to try to prevent you from ever encountering a situation in which you could get hurt the same way again.
The irony here is that, in an effort to prevent you from being hurt again, the ego insults you, instills doubts, and otherwise tries to convince you that you're unworthy enough to put yourself in a similar situation. This is how the ego responds to trauma - by convincing you to lose the battle before you've even had a fighting chance.
The Ego's Twisted Take on Good Intentions
For example, say you were given up for adoption as a child. Most children who were adopted develop a fear of abandonment because they were separated from their primary caregivers at a vulnerable time in their lives.
The ego, now, wants to keep you safe and protect you from the possibility of future abandonment. It does this by trying to prevent you from ever being exposed to any situations in which you could be abandoned. In other words, the ego basically encourages you to abandon others before they can abandon you!
Another example might be someone who was bullied as a child for simply expressing themselves. The natural response to this is to feel hurt. You were simply being, but somebody else didn't like it and took it upon themselves to make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed for being yourself.
In this situation, the ego takes it upon itself to protect you by convincing you not to express your truest self. Whenever you're presented with the chance to express yourself, the voice in your head will explode with shame, doubts, and hesitation because the ego knows that if you're not true to yourself, then you can't truly be rejected. If you pretend to be someone you're not, then you can only be rejected for what you're not.
The ego, now, wants to keep you safe and protect you from the possibility of future abandonment. It does this by trying to prevent you from ever being exposed to any situations in which you could be abandoned. In other words, the ego basically encourages you to abandon others before they can abandon you!
Another example might be someone who was bullied as a child for simply expressing themselves. The natural response to this is to feel hurt. You were simply being, but somebody else didn't like it and took it upon themselves to make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed for being yourself.
In this situation, the ego takes it upon itself to protect you by convincing you not to express your truest self. Whenever you're presented with the chance to express yourself, the voice in your head will explode with shame, doubts, and hesitation because the ego knows that if you're not true to yourself, then you can't truly be rejected. If you pretend to be someone you're not, then you can only be rejected for what you're not.
The Ego Is Your Inner Child, Afraid to Be Hurt Again
Once you start to recognize this, you realize that the ego is just a scared and confused child that wants to keep you safe from emotional pain. The only way it knows how to do this is by trying to convince you that you're not worthy enough to find love or accomplish your goals. By preventing you from reaching for success, the ego protects you from failure.
While it's still important to detach from the ego's thoughts and avoid identifying with them, it's also important to understand that these thoughts are filtered through our past experiences, including any unaddressed or repressed traumatic memories.
This brings us to the focal point of this post. Once we learn to interpret the ego's messages properly, we can start to recognize how and why we were traumatized in the past, and how these traumatic experiences continue to influence us in the present day. If the voice in your head constantly shames you when you try to form a romantic relationship, perhaps it's speaking from a fear of abandonment and trying to protect you from the chance of your lover leaving you.
Whatever the case, interpreting these messages can be an extremely valuable resource. Identifying the origins of these negative belief patterns is of tremendous importance. This is also often the initial focus of therapy during which your therapist will guide you through various techniques to help you uncover the root of your current mental/emotional situation.
However, this can also be done on your own! With diligence, self-reflection, and honesty, you can learn to interpret the messages of your ego and identify the root cause of any self-deprecating beliefs and thought patterns. I like to call this self-therapy, or autotherapy, and it can certainly save you hundreds of dollars on therapy sessions.
The importance of counseling, therapy, or other holistic therapeutic practices cannot be understated. However, if you walk into your first counseling session and tell your therapist that you already know what traumatic memories you've repressed, how they're affecting you, and what belief patterns and behaviours they've caused, then you've already made it further than some people do after a half-dozen $200 sessions.
Again, I'm not suggesting that therapy should replace meditation. I merely think that the two practices complement each other so well that it's a shame to practice one without the other.
Again, I'm not suggesting that therapy should replace meditation. I merely think that the two practices complement each other so well that it's a shame to practice one without the other.
Befriending Your Worst Enemy
The monkey voice is still there, of course, but you'll notice that it starts to say different things. Rather than shaming you, it starts to be more supportive. Rather than casting doubts upon your every interaction, the monkey mind starts to take your side. Instead of pre-emptively setting you up for failure, the voice in your head starts pushing you towards success.
Once your ego stops projecting its fears and anxieties onto, you don't have to fight it any longer. And once you stop fighting it, you realize how much energy you've spent in combat with your monkey brain every day, every week, for years. Once the fight is over, you'll realize that you've turned a life-long enemy into your best friend, and you'll find that there's nothing more comforting and supportive than a monkey who's got your back.
And this, my friends, makes a world of difference in regards to your practice.
Side note: it's super important to find a counselor or therapist who works well with you and preferably one who practices (or at least has an interest in) meditation. I was blessed enough to find a counselor who doubles as a Qi Gong master, who studied under a Taoist master whose many books I have read, and whose personal therapeutic practice is basically a guided meditation infused with EMDR and one-on-one coaching).
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