nootropics for heroin tapering

 TL:DR; have been holding off on trying some special nootropics for several years because I wanted to wait until, if ever, I reached a state where I felt completely incapable of repairing my life due to my addiction. Unfortunately I've been there the last few weeks; yesterday I remembered the noots and gave them a try. Since then I've drastically reduced my usage and have been focusing on much more productive things that can actually help push me towards recovery.

I decided to write this post as I was sitting here at my computer, starting to get the sweats. And the chlils. Thinking to myself, "fuck, I'm getting sick... better take a hoot soon."

Then I did a double-take. What? I'm so engaged and focused on my work that I'm prioritizing it above smoking dope? I've actually been sitting here enjoying what I'm doing for long enough that dopesickness could start to set in before compulsively going to smoke more?

The weird thing is I'm not hyperfocused on any one thing. I'm up and about if I need to be, drinking water, having snacks, cleaning up a bit, etc. learning some musical theory. I just feel like I'm a normal person doing what a normal person would do at 11:30 in the morning on a rainy Sunday
.
I then realized that I've got sitting in my tin the amount of dope that I'd usually sesh through first thing in the morning before I even felt comfortable enough to walk out my front door. I've barely touched it. I suspected yesterday that the nootropics I started taking were responsible for yesterday's fantastic outcome (which really amounted to nothing, in an objective sense, but I was still up, awake, out of bed, and somewhat capable of being social all day which is a MASSIVE improvement).

obviously, nootropics are a finicky thing because a) everyone works differently and b) everyone's using dope for different reasons, so there's certainly nothing close to a one-size-fits-all recommendation for nootropics.
Nonetheless, what I've noticed today that's different about my frame of mind is:
  • I'm no longer constantly plagued by this... voice? feeling? not sure what it is, I barely even realized it was there until it was gone. but it's this constant nagging sensation coming from within me, my inner critic telling me that "you need to get more fucked up to be worth anything to anyone. take one more hit before you walk out that door. one more slam before you write that article. roll a smoke before you go outside. make sure you have one to pop while you're on the way." That voice is ALWAYS with me, even during my sober stints, and it's what leads me to chronically and compulsively smoke my whole stash whenever I wake up at home alone without any friends around to contradict that voice and remind me of my self-worth.
    • Yeah I know there's a whole year's worth of therapeutic inquiries in that paragraph, don't worry about it, I'm working on that to
  • The second thing is my motivation. I'm usually beyond lethargic. Lately, even with dope and meth, I've found myself feeling extremely anhedonic and haven't been engaging in my passions, or talking to people. Trying to taper has been a nightmare because I'm stuck in a constant loop of that voice of addiction hissing at me, telling me that I'll feel/be/look/act/be seen better if I just take one more hoot, coupled with the ensuing anhedonia and lack of motivation no matter how much of what I smoke.
Today and yesterday I've had the best two days I've had in months. Why? I did normal person shit. I wet outside without having a 45 minute mental battle with my head about whether or not the other people sharing the property would look at me with disgust and wish me gone. I took out the goddamn recycling. Getting mobile again helped to start working out the fent-induced edema so my ankles and legs hurt way less. I talked to people, even laughed a bit.

Enough of my strength returned to be able to do basic tasks and I was able to focus on work for about 8 hours in total, enough to make up for the missed rent that I'd fucked myself with due to the cognitive/physical haze I've been lost in because of the shitty dope in town.

Anyway I'm not trying to sell anything but I'm just seriously impressed because I've tried about a billion nootropics and have only ever had a few (phenylpiracetam, phenibut... uh.. yeah, that's allIcan really think of) have much of an effect on me. But the last couple days I've tried small doses of n-acetly semax and n-acetyl selank, both of which I've been wanting to try for years because... well, because I'd read posts similar to this one actually.

I've also got some cyclazadone, n-methyl-cyclazadone, and fladrafinil. I've tried all the -afinils and only ever felt adrafinil but I ditched it because of the liver issues. I know there's liver risks with the cyclazadone compounds so I'm taking it easy, but they're strong enough to pep me up and give me focus when the fatigue and brainfog that I'm feeling is largely due to ceasing the use of methamp along with my dope

. Yesterday I tried ~10mg of cyclazodone and didn't really feel anything until I looked at the clock and realized I'd been working for 3 hours straight, then I got up and did some household tasks and finally nodded off at about 4 am.

Woke up at about 6 today and took the same dose of semax and selank. Feeling pretty ... normal, still. Made a healthy meal, drank some tea, some water, brushed my teeth, did laundry - just normal person shit that I've been forgetting to do or have suppressed my desire to do due to insane anxiety. Now I've been working for a couple hours and just took a little bit of n-methyl-cyclazodone INSTEAD OF TAKING A HOOT OF DOPE when I felt like I was starting to get sick and lose focus on my tasks.

That last sentence speaks absolute fucking volumes about how much respect I am going to treat these substances with, especially with the risk of hepatotoxicity. But it feels like... it feels like the primary effect that they've had on me is to help reassert my priorities, so that dope is no longer at the very top of the list, superceding everything else. Instead, it's somewhere in the bottom-middle; a necessity I need to deal with to prevent myself from getting ill but something I'd rather not have to deal with at all.

But whereas before, using dope would always trump my desire to get my shit together in order to go to treatment, now I feel like I can actually prioritize getting my shit together more than doing dope. So I'm not saying these are a magic bullet or anything. I'm just saying that they helped grease up some cogs in the machine that were jammed so I can actually keep making progress towards building the (sober) life that I want and need.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Releasing Global Judgment

Image
The next step for many of us seems to be detaching from the judgments that we have placed upon the world, upon society, and upon others. This is the only logical step because the truth of the matter is that when we judge another we're really just judging another facet of ourselves. That's for a different discussion though. Who of us haven't found ourselves gawking in disgust, horror, or anger at the news? Who hasn't at least had a passing thought about how they hate war, about how things are so terrible, or about how evil the people perpetrating these atrocities are? If we didn't at least some anger toward the things happening world, well, we'd be pretty darn apathetic. But now it's time to let these judgments pass, for that's all they are. Judgment only serves to further separate us from others - even a so-called 'justified' judgment, such as claiming that we're better than someone because we'd never do the same things as ...
Read more

Releasing the Mind & Body

Image
It usually hurts to release something. Getting rid of something - a habit, an emotional trait, a belief - almost always hurts because it feels like you're trading  something for nothing. No matter how healthy or unhealthy the behavior or habit is, be it an addiction or a tendency to smile when you see birds, releasing anything can be tough because, at least for a moment, you feel like you have less than you did before. One trades the sensation of fullness for the sensation of being empty. For this reason, many have a hard time 'letting go' of things like unhealthy relationships, addictions, or habitual behavior. After a time, they begin to identify with it and tend to protect or deny it. The important thing to recognize here is that releasing something creates room for an infinite multitude of possibilities. Sure, when you release something, you're left feeling like an empty void. In that void, though, lies the unlimited and unmanifested potential of your min...
Read more

A Devolving Culture

BREAKING NEWS: Humanity rapidly devolves into a primitive herd mentality, completely suspending free speech and critical thinking for fear of being exiled from the global community Perhaps the most disappointing and concerning experience I had this week during my trip to Fairy Creek actually had very little to do with the protest itself. Rather, it was a confrontation that I had with two local seniors who combined forces in n effort to both belittle me and validate one another's fragile and baseless worldview. Most likely you've all seen how quickly out of hand arguments can get on controversial Facebook posts. Trolls, as they're called, tend to spew unfounded claims, accusations, and senseless drivel. Uninterested in having a productive conversation or learning anything new, their sole purpose is to assert a single, rigid viewpoint and shove it in as many people's faces as they can, even when their claims are disproven, their 'facts' are corrected, and their a...
Read more