External Satisfaction

 

The feeling of seeking satisfaction externally is very prevalent. It is addiction: to love, to substance, to food, to approval, to acceptance. To anything outside of myself that feels good.

There's a distinct feeling to this, or at least a feeling that leads up to it. A sort of hollow sensation in my solar plexus, a lack of will, an emptiness. It is this emptiness that the entity seeks to fill through external validation, through pleasure, through creating situations that are hedonistic and enjoyable so that it may... exist.

There is another feeling, though. One that I have grown foreign to, so foreign to that now it scares me and manifests as anxiety. It is that same feeling that I used to get in high school when I would take myself to meet a girl I knew, or take a driver's test, or start a new job: the feeling that I'm already full, I'm already complete, and that I'm going to offer myself to the situation.

I feel that feeling now and it scares me, instantly repelling me, sending me towards drinks and drugs, towards familiarity. But that is the feeling that allows me to create life, for if I operate under any other influence I am not living by my higher self. It is the demon of addiction that convinces me that I'm hollow and incomplete, that I need something external to complete me.

This demon is what is drawing all my energy out, for any time I feed it, I am doing so with my own lifeblood. It tricks me into thinking that I am fueling myself but I'm really just creating a channel for it to experience material/physical reality at the expense of my own energy, time, and life.

When I operate solely from the opposite polarity, from a sense of wholeness, from that presently-uncomfortable sense of 'I-am-complete' anxiety, which arises because there is no promise of fulfillment because I am already fulfilled; which arises because the demon knows that when I am running on my own resources it does not get to create the situations that lead me to misdirection.

So, then, it's the demon that creates these situations. Not me. They are not situations that I would ever create if I was operating from a space of wholeness and acceptance. They are physically gratifying, emotionally intense situations that are invigorating for the demon and each time it is fed, it grows fatter, and more hungry. Its desire grows larger and larger, the cravings more intense, the resulting experiences more extreme.

But when I look at that craving and see it for what it is, its power dissolves. I feel the hooked claw in my solar plexus trying to pull me towards a certain experience. Trying to get me to manifest in the physical realm the type of experience it wants to have. 

When I feel that, I am faced with a crossroads: I can either listen to the demon and cocreate a situation that I know is not in my best interest, or I can trust the unknown, trust in my completeness, and move forward knowing that no matter what situation I am, I have the resources to handle it. I will never be incomplete. Even if I am overwhelmed, or upset, or if I don't succeed, I will never lose myself. There is no risk of that, and operating under the belief that part of myself is already missing is erroneous. It's a false belief that creates a false reality devoid of love and compassion, or at least of reciprocity, for in that belief system I would give only to get. I would deprive myself of true love in hopes of being able to manipulate the world into giving it to me for fear that I would not, could not possess it myself.

But I do. I possess more than just love, I possess all the keys to living a happy and healthy life. They are here, in my solar plexus, where my willpower and drive reside. It is these moments that I must choose to remember that I can move forward in a space of trust. The unknown may be frightening but it will never destroy me, never make me incomplete. It is with a full heart that I can move towards these experiences, never knowing entirely what they will produce but trusting that the end result will be one that I contributed to in my wholeness. No matter what happens, it will be a reminder that I am complete. 

When I do the opposite, it reinforces the idea that I am not complete. That I need another drink, another drug, another kratom, another snuggle. The demon grows fat, and I grow weaker as it feeds on my flesh and blood. But the demon becomes deprived when I rule my life from my own seat of power, for there is only one throne here. I choose to sit in it, and I banish any demons who threaten to usurp my power. This is my life and I am here to watch it unfold, for I am the best and only version of myself that there will ever be

And yet the crossroads of life and death seems like such a threatening place, for it is the road that leads towards death that is brightly lit with sunshine and singing birds. The road towards health and wellness seems a barren, smoking wasteland through which I know I'll have to tread for many moons before I come upon even the first oasis where I can sip the water of life.

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